How To Fix It: The Doom Movie

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All the way back in 2005 we saw an attempted cash-in on the Doom franchise well before its successful recent revival and re-release on gaming platforms across the world. There was a problem with this film though and that problem was a rather large one. It turns out that the film they made had absolutely nothing to do with Doom…like…absolutely nothing…at all.

Semperwhat?

Not so faithful to the core as it turns out. The story follows some army guys…and The Rock is also there with Karl Urban. These guys are sent to Mars for no reason other than some crap went down and they have to go deal with it.

Okay, at this point you think that’s cool, the Marines and guys with guns have to get to the monsters somehow so, cool. Awesome stuff. Then they arrive…and you squint through about 45 minutes of walking around aimlessly, staring into corridors and rooms and then you suddenly get spoon fed some bullshit story about an extra chromosome that makes people super strong, super smart and super in general…unless you’re slightly bad…in which case it turns you into Marilyn Manson.

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At this point you think it can’t get worse but then it takes a turn  in another stupid direction which is revealing the fact that this magical mixture of goop also killed the entire population of the original Martians and they built the cool portal from the start of the film to escape to Earth…only having sent the unaltered section of their population, the rest stayed on Mars to die while the ones who made it to Earth apparently founded the human race.

So then the genius scientists came along in the movie and dug up the Martian skeletons, began analyzing and discovered the very thing that made the Martians so super smart…and turned the other half of them into monsters. Okay.

What Doom? Where?

At no point anywhere in the film except for the appearance of the odd monster or two, or that stupid scene with the BIO FORCE GUN does this thing have anything to do with the Doom games in any shape or form. There are no flying head things with jetpacks strapped to them and I definitely didn’t see any pentagrams or mindless violence either.

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You could have called the movie ‘Marine Guys Shoot Monsters In Space’ and it would have still enjoyed moderate success while still having our partial respect for trying to be original in some way but they basically took the name Doom, strapped it to some crappy movie with a crappy cast and tried to pass it off as The Doom Movie.

The Fix

Keep the first part of the film completely intact…until the marines get to Mars. Once they get to Mars, no survivors, blood, shit, and monsters everywhere right from the word go. They should literally not even have time to stand around talking for 2 minutes right from the second they arrive on Mars. No explaining about some crap little formula that adds a chromosome, no unrequired emo scenes involving some disaster in ‘Reaper’s past, nothing.

Shoot everything that fucken moves for the first 30 minutes of the film and then put the marines in a confined space where they can be ‘safe’ for a few minutes to regroup, try to figure out what the hell is going on and to reload.

At this point find some book or tablet or computer or something, give it to the Marine who can read or wears glasses and insert the story that scientists were fucking around on Mars with a Hadron Collider or something and opened the literal gates of Hell and not only did all the monsters, demons and other crap come through to Mars but people who get exposed to these creatures also turn into monsters because their souls get corrupted or something.

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Then it’s go time again. Kill off the entire cast except for The Rock & Karl Urban and one random marine…have Rock & Urban become ‘corrupted’, have one try to kill random marine…the other somehow manages to fight off the corruption and madness and saves random marine but not before beating The Rock to fucken death with a tire iron.

The movie ends with Urban and his corrupted super powers and random marine aimlessly wandering around fighting monsters…instant sequel setup. Fade out to credits.

See how that would have been so much better? Now that would have been an awesome movie…

The Morris
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The Morris

Annoying Guy at www.desolationmorris.com
You know, this was supposed to be my day off. But nooooooo. Instead, you got me out here dragging your heavy ass through the burning desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute. And you gotta come down here with an attitude, acting all big and bad.
The Morris
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