How To Fix It: Prometheus

The ever controversial Prometheus we got as a prequel to the Alien film franchise in 2012 remains a subject of vigorous discussion even now, almost a full 5 years after it’s release. An idea hatched as far back as 2000. Ridley Scott finally got round to it in 2010 – only it wasn’t exactly what anyone had in mind when it eventually hit theaters across the world. It was a hit or miss situation and with most people, this film missed the mark completely. With only a select few, it managed to make a positive impression and while these fans are few and far between, even they can’t seem to explain away the film’s considerable plot holes and flaws.

The film idea was simplistic. A prequel to the first Alien film set in the quite distant past, to launch the events we’d later see in the rest of the franchise and to attempt to explain the intense obsession Mr. Weyland seems to have with the Xenomorph aliens. Needless to say, this would involve space travel and scientists – we got both and neither made any sense at the best of times once they landed on LV-223.

Let’s pet some snake aliens!

The basic idea here is that scattered across the surface of Earth are ruins and these ruins, no matter how far apart seem to all depict the same thing – giant human looking aliens pointing somewhere among the stars. Two scientists figure this out, namely Elizabeth Shaw and Charlie Holloway. The story gets a little fuzzy on just how exactly they convince Peter Weyland to fund their gazillion dollar space vacation to go look for these giant human looking aliens but they soon set off regardless with a team of experts and an android called David who is, quite frankly, the only continuously redeeming quality right throughout the film.

They get to the planet, named LV-223 and discover a toxic wasteland filled with a conveniently placed ruin with a conveniently placed atmosphere that allows them to take their helmets off for most of the film. I mean, sure, why not, right? Let’s take our helmets off on an alien planet. What could happen? It’s not like they could catch a deadly alien virus or anything, is it?

Anyway, the story progresses to present numerous plot hole gems such as why the Engineers were all dead, why they wanted to destroy Earth, why the scientist wanted to pet a snake alien thing, what the mural on the wall was depicting, what the cool looking green crystal thing was right in front of the mural and let’s not forget the fact that the planet they land on doesn’t look anything like the ‘other’ LV-223 from the actual Alien film.

Alien shenanigans happen and then the film ends with Shaw flying off with David, who at the time consisted of a body and an entirely separated head to go kill The Engineers. Now thanks to Alien: Covenant that releases pretty soon, we know that Shaw probably failed in her little mission because not only is there an Engineer ship on the ‘covenant planet’, David is there…at very least there is a David there. Remember David is not unique, he’s a mass-produced android, a David 8 Model Android.

The Fix

Okay first of all if you want to go on a trip to another planet. This is not the way to do it.

Start the film off exactly like it starts except add the detail of showing the scene where they convince Peter Weyland that the Engineers are actually real and need to be found. Weyland is a pretty diverse character with one gigantic god complex that doesn’t have enough screen time in Prometheus. What we do end up seeing of him are bits and pieces and with such a great actor like Guy Pearce at the helm, every Weyland scene is guaranteed gold. We just didn’t get to see enough of him to truly understand his motivations.

Secondly, have Shaw pick her own team of crack shot scientists and maybe don’t send the idiot husband, Charlie Holloway along to piss off David the whole time. Then maybe like…have a plan or something that extends beyond flying to an alien planet and then pointing at things and petting alien snakes randomly? In fact, leave the Biologist on the damn ship and bring him stuff to play with. Then scratch the entire scene with the alien snake, scratch the origin of the snake. Take out the whole scene with the reanimated head because honestly…what?

Now have David steal a vase filled with goo (like he did) and then ‘accidentally’ infect one or more of the crew members which would have had the same result it did on Holloway. Then shit should go south really quickly from that point onward but not before throwing in a super sexy sex scene between Idris Elba and Charlize Theron which leaves no time at all for the weird geologist zombie guy we lovingly refer to as ‘what the fuck is that thing?’. In fact, have David infect Idris Elba with the alien goo and then he boinks Charlize and she pops out the alien instead of Shaw.

Weyland shows up, they wake the Engineer David found and then end the film without crushing Vickers under a huge ship because she lacks the ability to run slightly to the left and have her die in a sensible way – like being eaten by the alien. Or how about having her fight the alien. How about having anyone fight the alien?  Not the giant face hugger monster Shaw gave birth to, I mean the actual end alien that pops out of the Engineer. What was the point of all the build up and that alien anyway? Nobody even got to see the damn alien…I mean – come on now.

Let Shaw fight the Alien or escape it or something before she flies off into the proverbial sunset. Fade out with the ships log playing…

The End.

Grand Moff Morris
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Grand Moff Morris

You know, this was supposed to be my day off. But nooooooo. Instead, you got me out here dragging your heavy ass through the burning desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute.
Grand Moff Morris
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