Sometimes you see a movie that just doesn’t seem to make any sense when you really think about it. I mean, really think about it. What’s Star Wars really about? It’s about a boy who’s Aunt & Uncle get murdered, he joins a rebellion, overthrows the government and gets his father killed. How about…Back To The Future? A crazy old scientist runs around with an underaged boy and travels through time. Or…Twilight? An old man falls in love with an underaged girl, spends his days stalking her and gets her pregnant. Pretty cool huh?
Okay, yes there’s more to it than that but many films can be quickly and adequately described in similar fashion. In truth, such a description is not only humorous but humorous because it’s so true to the point.
The truth is that there have been far more such films over the years than we care to remember and some of them are even considered cult classics. I can think of a particular few favorites of mine right now – you probably have yours too and we would all argue that they don’t HAVE to make sense, do they? We like them, so shut your face.
Follow me down a list of 12 pretty crappy movie plots that somehow made it into reality…
The Plot: A Wild ‘Mountain Man’ manages to be decent for 5 minutes and legitimately bags a wife. His brothers, his…6 brothers who didn’t get girls are naturally jealous of their successful brother for having a woman so they do the logical thing – They kidnap 6 women from a nearby town, block the mountain pass so the women’s families can’t get to them and then spend an entire winter singing and dancing. After winter, the townspeople arrive intent on killing the brothers. The Townspeople naturally and very suddenly decide against this after hearing a baby cry and marry all 6 women off to their kidnappers.
The Plot: A wild-eyed old doctor with a hardon for centipedes and a name more insinuating than Mel Gibson at a white power rally decides to surgically combine 3 people – ass to mouth. Some Nazi-Esque escapades follow mixed with pooping, vomiting, casual racism and amateur domination porn. It all finally ends when the world’s worst detectives arrive to fuck up the good doctor’s human centipede and the film ends with the one remaining part of the centipede in some serious need of anal reconstructive surgery and therapy.
The Plot: A neglective father hires a witch of the 12th order to brainwash his kids into liking him.This is done through catchy songs, dancing, and witchcraft-induced hallucinations which result in ultimately breaking the kids’ spirits and forcing them into unquestioning subservience. The film ends with the witch flying off using her umbrella as a helicopter.
The Plot: An FBI agent takes on a plane full of deadly and venomous snakes, deliberately released to kill a witness being flown from Honolulu to Los Angeles to testify against a mob boss. Snakes. On a plane. Snakes on a fucking plane. This movie is so stupid that it single-handedly paved the way for Sharknado and it’s slur of sequels and spin-offs. Naturally, Snakes On A Plane ends with Samuel L. Jackson learning how to surf.
The Plot: A Space Marine in a wheelchair tricks Space Native Americans into thinking he’s one of them while his people fuck up the entire planet in pursuit of the universe’s most stupidly named mineral. Alternatively known as ‘Pocahontas In Space’, this story is James Camerons raging wet dream with a further 71 sequels planned – you know, just so we can painfully drag on the creepy blue cat alien saga forever.
The Plot: A doctor develops a vaccine that turns the entire world’s population into weird nocturnal monster things. Will Smith then spends his time walking around with his dog attacking the transformed population and experimenting on them. Two random people show up to screw up everything and Will Smith knows them for about 5 minutes before sacrificing his life for them but not before miraculously having developed a ‘cure’. Take a knee.
The Plot: Nobody knows what the fuck is going on in this movie. There’s some weird genetically engineered thing, okay? It kills a cat and spontaneously switches genders in between having sex with Adrien Brody and being held hostage. Actually…this movie is the perfect example to serve as a warning against the horrors of genetic engineering…that and Adrien Brody’s nose.
The Plot: George Clooney and some other guy dress up in black rubber suits to terrorize the poor, innocent, underprivileged population of Gotham City at night. They also beat up a cold blue guy that makes terrible puns while some chick that wears green spandex runs about the city going on about plants. Not even the Director of this film knew what was going on exactly and issued an official apology for having anything to do with it.
The Plot: Harrison Ford gets bribed into playing Indiana Jones in the 4th installment of a film series that outlived its popularity about 20 years ago. This sequel makes about as much sense as a pineapple wrapped in cheese placed on a bun and served with a salad. Indy goes on an adventure involving a psychic and a skull. He ends up galavanting into some bushes with his son where he finds aliens.
The Plot: The literal film incarnation of the term ‘what the fuck’. These people sat down, thought hard and long about the stupidest possible storylines for a movie and then made it real. A humanoid alien duck comes to Earth to fight another alien but not before seducing an Earth woman and creeping out 2 generations of moviegoers, comic book fans and people who like ducks…or aliens. This movie is even more terrifying when you realize Howard The Duck is a recognized part of The Marvel Universe.
The Plot: An alien amusement park owner sends his minions to kidnap The Looney Tunes from Earth and add them as an attraction to his park. It boils down to a basketball game because – why the fuck not? I mean, naturally, you have to win a game of basketball before your victim is willing to be kidnapped and imprisoned for life. Michael Jordan gets involved, believes he can fly and wins the day in that typical ‘All Ages’ movie way. Space Jam has one redeeming quality in the form of Lola Bunny who is single-handedly responsible for over 30% of all Hentai and Rule 34 porn on the internet.
The Plot: The epitome of overcomplication. This movie focuses on two plumbers, namely Mario & Luigi who have to contend with a fungus in a super futuristic setting and that same fungus is taking over the world. Our heroes also have to solve really intense plumbing problems but let us not forget – There’s also an alternate dimension inhabited by evolved dinosaurs. Oh…and some guy called King Koopa wants to merge realms or something…and there’s a monkey. The movie ends with an open end for a sequel…I know, right? We need a sequel immediately.
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